The day I almost burned our house down…

We jumped straight into the deep end when we started our full-timing adventure. 

We never owned a fifth wheel before (or any motorhome) and we had planned to get one and take some short trips with it and slowly get used to what it’s like living in one. Ease into figuring out a new way of life. What we need, what we don’t need. How to pull it. How to park it. All the things.

Well. That didn’t happen. Instead, we bought a trailer, renovated the trailer, sold everything we owned, moved our scarce belongings into the trailer and pulled away from our home. All in about a month’s time. (I don’t recommend this.)

We still have a lot to learn.

Our very first day, while maneuvering into our very first campground, we clipped a fence and got a flat tire on the trailer. 

That was unsettling.

The very next morning, in an attempt to make our new home feel indeed like home, I lit a candle and left it too close to the pretty white curtains I had made. The curtain was later slid over, the end landed in the candle and we had a fire. It was very upsetting and slightly terrifying. My Turkish-towel-turned-curtain burned fast. I sorta froze and screamed. (Not the reaction I’m proud of but I wasn’t actually thinking straight and in the categories of “flight, fight or freeze,” I’m unfortunately “freeze.” I don’t want to be this way. I always envision myself fighting off intruders or running toward the fire when presented with an emergency, but my track record isn’t promising.)

Fortunately, Bennett is “fight” and immediately yells “fire extinguisher!” And ran for it and put the fire out.

(This is the reason you have fire drills in school. So that kids and teachers are prepared when disaster strikes. I recommend fire drills in trailers too. Know where your fire extinguishers are and know how to use them, how to get the pin out and how to tune out the crazy woman screaming. And always have a human around you who is a “fight” in emergencies.)

So needless to say we had a rocky start. Our next day was a travel day and when we arrived at the next campground the site we had to back into was such a tight turn, on a hill, and in the smallest space… I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. It wasn’t fun.

So yeah, we have learned a lot the hard way… and still have a lot to learn. 

But mainly, I have to learn what to do with my anxiety.

Those first few days, I never had the thought, “What in the world are we doing? This was a mistake.” Only because God had made it so clear that he was calling us to this. I never considered quitting. 

But I did have many thoughts of, “Oh my goodness. What in the world…?!”

My security was rocked a bit.

It was a lot. We were sleep deprived. We just said goodbye to a large number of our favorite people in this world. Emotions were high. 

So I did the only thing I can do. I prayed. A lot. 

Sometimes our trials are big ones, like burying people we love. And sometimes we try to dismiss our trials. Saying it’s our fault our home almost burned down or we need to just get over it when something upsets us. Minimizing things that aren’t actually minimal is a dangerous slope. 

Because anxiety takes many forms. It’s not just debilitating distress. It’s also a restless, preoccupied mind. Dwelling a little too long on something I can’t quite fix. A general uneasiness of something outside my control.

Motorhome fires, flat tires, fully booked campsites, Covid lockdowns, injustice, riots in the country I love…

Several years ago, I memorized Philippians 4:4-7

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

So I say this verse over and over when I can’t think of what to pray or when I realize I’m too tense or when sleep evades me because of my swirling thoughts. 

The reality that the extent of God’s peace surpasses my ability to even comprehend is such a beautiful and comforting truth. And I can tell you with confidence, it’s true. I have lived this. The peace that surrounded me when my son’s heart quit beating is definitely not of this world. And that same peace continues to surround me as I venture on down the unknown road of life.

Spurgeon says, “Prayer gives a channel to pent up sorrow, and it flows away in a steady stream of sacred delight.”

Prayer also gives a channel to pent up anxiety. The kind that gnaws at the edges of relaxing days. The kind that takes up residence in my thoughts before I am even aware that I have begun to worry. The kind that is looking for sneaky ways to put down roots in the corner of my mind so that it becomes my norm.

There are many, many times I don’t feel thankful and rejoicing seems impossible. Especially when I’m anxious. But thankfulness is a decision, not an emotion. It speaks to what is deeper than my circumstances. 

So I say this verse. I pray this verse. And always, always, always… the Lord brings to mind things I can rejoice over. I start by thanking him for the first thing that comes to my mind. And for things like fire extinguishers and Trader Joes snacks with my kids by the river. And the more I focus on gratitude the more I see his goodness and his blessing over every aspect of my life. 

It’s a simple yet profound equation. Rejoice, pray with thanksgiving, and the peace of God guards my heart and mind.

And sometimes, prayer removes those things that cause my anxiety, but more often, prayer and thankfulness just removes my anxiety. And really, that’s ultimately what brings the most glory to God. 

It doesn’t always fix my circumstances. But it does work to fix my heart. 

So, what are you thankful for today?