Much of life lately feels like a blur. We are almost to Christmas now and I’m still recovering from August. Back when cancer made its unwelcome appearance and invaded our life. Time has sometimes stood still, sometimes crept by at an annoyingly slow pace, waiting for the next doctor appointment or test result. Other times it has rushed by so fast I feel like I’m scrambling around trying to keep up… trying to stay on top of homeschooling and grocery shopping and being present in my home and aware of the needs of those my heart is responsible for.
So along comes Thanksgiving… a big unknown for awhile. Was Anthony really going to feel up for anything?
He had his first chemo infusion a week before Thanksgiving. We had been counseled about the side effects and knew what to expect. Ish. I mean, can you ever fully expect it all? It wasn’t exactly a fun week for him, sadly. And although some of the effects lessened as Thanksgiving approached, he sure wasn’t completely himself.
But, last Sunday, during a rare quiet moment in our lately too-full life, there was a knock on our door. Ella flew home from school in Virginia and surprised us for Thanksgiving. To say I was shocked was an understatement. Having all my family this side of eternity together again was such a sweet gift.
So the week was full of laughter and togetherness mixed with the unavoidable existence of cancer and the unknown. The reality of it all hits harder when the chemo effects can be seen in every day life. A lot of beauty working hard to stomp down all the yuckiness.
How can beauty succeed at this?
“… do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6,7
The peace follows the prayer. The peace follows the thanksgiving.
I learned this after losing my child… taking thoughts captive and allowing the joy that comes only from the Lord to fill the parts of my heart earthly happiness never will. The more gratitude I could grasp onto and the more times thankfulness could fill my heart, the less room there was for bitterness, for fear, for anxiety. And the more room there was for the supernatural peace of God. Peace that definitely doesn’t make much sense in this broken world.
Do I live with a spirit of gratitude every moment? Um, I wish. I can grumble with the best of the complainers. I’m super impatient and annoyed on the daily. It was after Mason died that I started writing 10 things I’m thankful for every Saturday morning in my journal. It’s an intentional decision to focus on what is beautiful. On what is precious and often sacred.
Life doesn’t stop. I can’t wait for it to be all perfect and peaceful before I’m thankful. In some ways, I see it become perfect and peaceful because of my thankfulness. Because of what the Lord can supernaturally do through prayer with a grateful heart. The peace follows the thanksgiving.
So sometimes you feast while also feeling nauseous. And you celebrate loved ones while also watching one of them suffer. You let the little things go because it’s the big things that matter. But also, you savor the little things because the big things can be big fat, unwelcome thieves.
I choose thankfulness even though there’s plenty I’m not thankful for. Because gratitude has a way of pushing the darkness away. There might still be big clouds hovering nearby, but the shadow is no longer overwhelming. The hope will always shine through.
So I’m grateful. I’m grateful 4 out of my 5 kids were gathered in my home this Thanksgiving. And I’m grateful that even though Anthony didn’t feel great, he could still enjoy himself. He still felt comfortable in our home and loved by our family. He enjoyed his kids and reflected contentment and wisdom and reassured us all he is the sure foundation of our home because his faith is in the solid rock of our Savior.
The Lord is kind to me. Always. Even when the clouds are dark and ominous. His peace fills my heart in ways nothing on this earth ever will.
I’m grateful.
